Saturday, August 13, 2011

about my sadness (the missing puzzle of my life) Part 2/2

There are a few people that I feel I have hurt by misleading them, hurting them by not caring, hurting them, just fucking hurting them. And I just feel guilty. And I don't know what to do .

I often wonder how people handle their guilt. Do people have guilt? 

Do you?

Do think before you go to bed at night, that you don't deserve happiness?

I want so badly for some higher power to say "its okay, you are forgiven". But being a agnostic, you don't get redemption. People tell me I should just accept the things I can't change. But what gives me the right to do so?

But this is something I shouldn't devote my energies on, because in the end, this is how sadness and depression starts. You dig deeper into your own past, and you end up licking the edge of a razor blade, and you pray for the courage to press. 

So, I do something else. I create. I find new ways to express my self, through art, sharp video editing and a blazing sense of humor. 

have things in my life that I love. Sara, my Iphone4, my Ipad2, my new computer, my cats

And I have things that I want, a new camera (Canos EOS 600D), and  a mac computer. And some would say, that these material things won't make me happy. But they would be wrong. because I am pioneer consumer. I love technology and the things it enables me to do with my creative spirit. 

I don't know, perhaps I just need to get laid. :)