There are a few people that I feel I have hurt by misleading them, hurting them by not caring, hurting them, just fucking hurting them. And I just feel guilty. And I don't know what to do .I often wonder how people handle their guilt. Do people have guilt?
Do you?
Do think before you go to bed at night, that you don't deserve happiness?
I want so badly for some higher power to say "its okay, you are forgiven". But being a agnostic, you don't get redemption. People tell me I should just accept the things I can't change. But what gives me the right to do so?But this is something I shouldn't devote my energies on, because in the end, this is how sadness and depression starts. You dig deeper into your own past, and you end up licking the edge of a razor blade, and you pray for the courage to press.
So, I do something else. I create. I find new ways to express my self, through art, sharp video editing and a blazing sense of humor.
I have things in my life that I love. Sara, my Iphone4, my Ipad2, my new computer, my cats.
And I have things that I want, a new camera (Canos EOS 600D), and a mac computer. And some would say, that these material things won't make me happy. But they would be wrong. because I am pioneer consumer. I love technology and the things it enables me to do with my creative spirit.
I don't know, perhaps I just need to get laid. :)
